The Cabbage Patch

How To: Change a Person’s Body (aka The Virtual Boob Job)

Welcome to the long-awaited second part of my series of pointless Photoshop tutorials! This is the part in which I commit horrible acts against the self-esteem of young women everywhere as I instruct you how to digitally alter any person’s appearance.

In reality, this technique is most useful for boring touch-ups - getting rid of “love handles” or “lunch-lady arms”, emphasising muscles or otherwise giving a photo that magazine look.

However, as is my tradition, I’m going to demonstrate this technique using an attractive female celebrity.  In an effort to cash in on the Internet’s obsession with boobs, I will be giving the lovely Ms. Jennifer Garner some imaginary breast implants.  Please save any comments about my misogyny until the end of class.

Let’s get to it!

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Tags: Jennifer Garner, photoshop, tutorial

Maybe I’m just an ageing fogey…

…but somehow, Dave’s last post has struck a chord with me.

MySpace is a disgrace. To make matters worse, all of the 13 year olds have begun the emo-diaspora and are making their way over to Facebook which was once the exclusive play-pen of the Undergraduate classes of society. Bringing with them, not just teen angst and, like, shit grammar. Like. But (see, I started the sentence improperly. Like, totally ROFL-copter) also the same flashy, gaudy on-screen shit that MySpace became so notorious for. It’s almost like all of the programmers and developers eking out a living in Estonia or some other newly established country in Eastern Europe have realised there is an as-yet undervalued market for all things flashy and gaudy amongst users of Facebook and have focussed their attention on giving everyone virtual kittens and virtual emoticons. Indeed! Virtual emoticons… apparently because they aren’t used in real-time, they’re not real, and thus, are virtual.

Now, I do use Facebook. First of all, for poker. I’m bloody crap at it, but I can’t just can’t stop. Plus, seeing as it’s betting the online equivalent of matchsticks, there’s no harm in it. Secondly, I use Facebook as a diary and let people dictate to me when and where I should turn up with a bottle of grog and say “Happy birthday!” or “I’m sorry for your loss!”. It is also amusing to see just how small a social circle we, the bourgeoisie, move around in. For example, Courtney Tight, a friend of mine from Uni, went to a 21st birthday party at the weekend which was also attended by Rowan Spitt Witt, a boy I went to school with. That interested me for all of 8 seconds, however, it was a welcome distraction from my overdue essay and the tepid Butter Chicken I had bought for lunch.

While, following enough peer pressure, I will succumb to the latest juvenile fancy (at the moment, Facebook), I like to maintain an air of dignified, out-of-touch superiority over the plebs. It’s kind of like how Bentleys don’t have Satellite Navigation yet. If your chauffeur doesn’t know where he is going then you need a new chauffeur. To this end, I refuse to use emoticons, I haven’t exchanged money for a video game since Doom 2 came out, I long for the simplicity of Windows 98 and I couldn’t be bothered to work out the difference between Windows Vista Ultimate and the other version… is it Penultimate?

That’s not to say I don’t understand it all. Back in the days of yore (as in, before your time sonny) I sent an sms to myself just to see what happened. It was 1997 and nobody knew what it was, or why you’d use it. “Sounds alot like a pager to me” or “25c? Just to say hello?” were common reactions. Now, everyone’s on the bandwagon. They’re even having sex on it. Back in my day, sex was something you coerced from someone with statements such as “I love you” or questions like “Will you marry me?”. At worst you negotiated a cash price with her boyfriend on a corner in Kings Cross. Now you just text ’slunt’ to 19 55 11 for a bevy of beautiful babes on your mobile now! ‘Now’ is invariably 2:30am and the ‘beautiful babes’ seem to look a lot like that guy from Big Brother. Or is it just because in the drunken haze you mistook ‘Up Late with HotDogs’ for ‘Girls Gone Wild’ ?

Anyway, I’m going to go and put a blanket in the dryer for 20 minutes so I’ve got something to warm myself with when I sit down to watch Lateline on the ABC.

You Know it Makes Sense.

I’m TomHB.

Tags: article, rant, TomHB

The Internet is Stupid, but We Love Her Anyway

So, I’ve come to the realisation that I hate the parts of the Internet that everyone else loves.

Take “social networking”, for example. I absolutely hate MySpace, but not for the reasons everyone else does. Others cite its hideous controls and mid-nineties-style flashing, squealing profile pages as reasons to exorcise the website from the social-consciousness. Me? I just hate the people who use it. And the inane comments they leave. And fact that one can’t possibly use it to liaise with one’s peers in private and are instead forced to broadcast to the entire world all the pointless drivel that takes place.

And don’t get me started on Facebook. No, I don’t want to spread your stupid vampire/zombie/whingeing harpy crap. And no, I don’t want to install the fucking Super Wall.

I think I’m genetically designed to not understand sites like MySpace or Facebook. I don’t want to broadcast everything I’m doing and everyone I’m associating with (that sounds… saucy) to the whole planet. I don’t like having conversations that take days to happen. I don’t like the implication that everyone I’ve ever met, however briefly, is my “friend”.

Of course these networks have their uses. Facebook has an awesome Poker game on it. MySpace provided an outlet for the awesome Sugarshock. And, if ever I decide to leave this little cave of mine and interact with others, I know where to find them. I just don’t get all the rest of it.

All that being said, I’ve found a “social network” I actually don’t mind using. This thing called Twitter is everywhere you look on the Internet, so I recently checked it out. It’s been variously described as “micro-blogging” or a kind of broadcast SMS. To put it in a way the rest of the world seems to understand - it’s like the status line under your name on Facebook, without the rest of Facebook. It’s a whole site dedicated to that single-line statement. This appeals to me.

I don’t know about everyone else (and I am fully prepared to admit that I am not like everybody else), but things often happen to me or occur to me that I wish to acknowledge in some ironic, witty or simply noteworthy way. If you’re a friend of mine, you’ve probably received an SMS or two from me along the lines of “I’ve just seen…” or “Did you know…?” or “Ever wonder…?”. You know, those things that happen in daily life that you really feel like sharing with, well anyone.

That is, in part, why I started this site those years ago. I wanted a place where I could say or show anything that occurred to me. However, in reality, these little types of thoughts usually don’t warrant an entire blog post to themselves. That’s why Twitter is useful. It is designed for little thoughts. In fact, it is exclusively for such a use, as each posting can only be 140 characters long.

Now, having used the site for a couple of days, I have noticed that this is another example of me not quite getting it the way everyone else does. A large part of the Twitter user base uses it in two other ways that I don’t think I ever will. The first, is to broadcast not the thoughts and opinions of the author, but the detailed minutiae of their lives. “I’m going to work now”, “I just ate lunch” - that kind of thing.

The other common use is to have those MySpace-style conversations where the reader can only see one side of any exchange. This just shits me to no end. “@ThoughtlessDrone Yes, I agree completely! HAHA!” means nothing to me, and I shouldn’t have to read it.

Nevertheless, I’m going to try using this Twitter thing and see how it works out. Knowing me, I’ll probably have abandoned it by next Tuesday.

You can see my most recent “tweets” (why does everything on the Internet have to have such a stupid name? But that’s a rant for another time) over on the newly-reinstated side-bar.

Or here.

Tags: rant, twitter, Web Sites

Grey Ghosts

What an efficient group parking inspectors are. So efficient it’s hard to believe they work for local council. I can’t count the number of times I’ve slipped into a newsagent or a two hour lecture and come back to find a yellow envelope flapping under the Peugeot’s wiper blade. Looking back over my receipts, I realise in the month of August for example, I spent $480 on parking fines. September? $310. In October, $290. I haven’t bothered to pay November’s fines yet.

So a big congratulations to the parking inspector. Now if only you were doing something useful rather than impeding business…

Why don’t you chase real criminals–illegal immigrants, heroin addicts–or find a cure for cancer, rather than skulking around in the shadows with your dyke haircuts and ill-fitting uniforms waiting to stuff the day of busy people doing important tasks?

Look. I’m as broadminded as the next person and I’m sure that there is such a thing as an attractive lesbian, but what is it about parking inspectors and bad uniforms? It’s like they’re taking it out on the world because they’re too short to join the police force. Once I would have said too stupid, but let’s face it, there’s no such thing as too dim for today’s police force.

And don’t they like a fight? You might as well use logic and a well-formed argument on a brick. At least with a brick you’d have something you’d be happy to take home. I struggle to think however of the sort of home which welcomes a Parking Inspector. Not only are they professional narks, but they wear beige 5 days a week and the tool of their trade is a piece of chalk on a long pole. I’d rather clean the private booths at $2 peep-shows.

I say, let’s turn a weakness into a strength; give the Grey Ghosts guns and let them loose on teenage gangs. Neither group will be missed, so whatever happens, we win.

TomHB.

Tags: rant

6 Shows you’re (probably) not watching, but should be

Hello World.

One thing we like to do here at Cabbage Patch H.Q. is watch television.  A lot of television.  Perhaps a tad too much.  However, being located in Australia, we’re often given the short end of the stick when it comes to quality programing.  Not many could argue with the fact that much of the good television being produced at the moment is coming from the US or the UK.  Now, that’s not to say there isn’t any good local fare, because there most certainly is.  The ABC’s current Wednesday evening line-up of Spicks and Specks, The Chaser’s War on Everything and Summer Heights High is testament to this, as is the now-Channel 7-owned Kath & Kim.  But each of these gems is tarnished by a Sea Patrol, Border Security or Big Brother 587.

Local stations have promised to deliver many of the latest US shows, such as House, Heroes and Bionic Woman within a week or so of their American airings.  But they have also managed to forego many, far greater, programs altogether.  I present below a few of the current/recent crop of international TV shows that we aren’t getting down here in the Great Southern Land.

Dexter:

Based on Jeff Lindsay’s novel Darkly Dreaming Dexter, this series is proof that we are (or rather, should be) living in a golden age of television.  Six Feet Under’s Michael C. Hall is Dexter, a successful forensic investigator by day; Miami’s most prolific serial killer by night.  That’s the basic premise of this show - the main character is the world’s most likeable murderer.  Dexter is such a fantastically thought-out and amazingly performed character that the audience finds themselves rooting for him, even when he has a victim tied down on the table under his knife.

This show is, however, not for the faint of heart.  By virtue of the title character being both a forensic blood-splatter expert, and a violent killer, there is an awful lot of blood and gore in this show.  Also, a lot of swearing.  Dexter’s sister Debra (a detective working in the same precinct as Dex; played by Jennifer Carpenter), does not utter two consecutive sentences without a bleep-worthy four-letter word in between.

A lot of the appeal of Dexter is that is does swear and show blood and nonchalantly kill people, because it is so clever about doing those things.  It obviously walks a fine line between celebrating crime and condemning it, but manages to say a lot about these issues without preaching (as many CSI-like shows tend to do).

Dexter is now in it’s second season in the US, yet we have not seen a single episode air in Australia.  When the series premiered back in 2006, Foxtel announced it would carry the show over here.  Over a year later, they still have not.  Foxtel recently announced a new channel called “Showcase” would be launching with Dexter towards the end of this year (December, I believe).  So, eventually, local audiences may be able to see this show, provided they pay for Foxtel, and provided they pay extra for the new channel.  But this still doesn’t change the fact that we will still be over a year behind.

Jekyll:

Lest you think this list will be solely made up of American products, here is Jekyll, a six-part series from the BBC (yes, the one in Britain).

Jekyll (as the name implies) is a remake/adaptation of The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, although the series’ creators refer to it as a continuation of Robert Louis Stevenson’s original book (both the author and the book itself are referenced throughout).  Starring James Nesbitt and Michelle Ryan (now the new Bionic Woman), Jekyll tells the story of Dr. Jackman, who discovers a Mr. Hyde inside him.  The series introduces a shady government-like organisation and a conspiracy plot - plus a pair of feisty lesbian private detectives - and ends up as a modern, very edgy, version of the classic gothic tale.

The thing that really makes this series worth watching is James Nesbitt’s performance as Jackman/Hyde.  I have often said in the past that I do not usually like Nesbitt in anything - he usually plays the same character the same way all the time.  But this performance is truly incredible.  There is very little physical difference between his two personas - he is said to be a “few inches taller” and has “a different hairline” as Hyde - but he plays them so that there is never any doubt that these are two distinct characters.  His Hyde is incredibly scary.

Oh, and he fights a lion.  That alone leads me to recommend this show.

Unfortunately, there is no indication as to when, if ever, this show will be broadcast here.

Pushing Daisies:

What do you get when you turn a romantic comedy about a supernatural pie-maker and a ex-dead girl into a Dr. Seuss-like fairytale?  Pushing Daisies, that’s what.  This is, indisputably, the best show being produced at the moment.

The concept is a little convoluted, so bear with me.  Ned (Lee Pace) is a pie-maker who discovered as a child that he could bring dead things back to life simply by touching them, however only for one minute.  If they stay alive longer than a minute, something equal nearby has to die.  If he touches any re-animated thing a second time, it dies permanently.  A private detective, Emerson Cod (Chi McBride), discovers Ned’s talent and uses Ned to “wake up” murder victims to ask who killed them.  The two then collect the reward money for solving the case.  One of their cases is the murder of Lonely Tourist Charlotte “Chuck” Charles (Anna Friel), who turns out to be Ned’s childhood sweet-heart.  He un-deadens her, but can’t bring himself to let her die again.  Thus, she remains alive but the two can’t touch or else she will be perma-dead.

That may seem complicated enough, but then there is Olive Snook (Kristin Chenoweth), Ned’s neighbour and employee who is secretly in love with him, Chuck’s aunts who have matching social disorders, and the murder-of-the-week cases the crew have to deal with.  On top of all this, the show is narrated by Jim Dale (who apparently voiced the American version of the Harry Potter audio books), who does the whole thing as if it is a Dr. Seuss book.

The concept of Pushing Daisies is complicated, and more than a little weird.  But the execution is truly superb.  There is colour and humour in every frame, and even the multitude of deaths in each episode can’t lower the cheery tone.  Also, every now and then (well, at least once so far) Kristin Chenoweth bursts into song.

Luckily, Channel 9 have announced they will be airing Pushing Daisies sometime next year.  But why couldn’t they have “fastracked” or “streamed” (or whatever made up marketing term they’re using now) this show instead of, for example, Viva Laughlin - which is, according to some, “the worst show in the history of television”?  Note to network executives: The mere presence of Wolverine Hugh Jackman alone does not a good program make.

[note: between beginning-to-write and finishing this article, Viva Laughlin has be axed by it's American broadcasters.  This only strengthens the argument.]

Rome:

Ah, Rome… when men were men, homosexuality was encouraged, and a religious curse wasn’t complete without a good old ox-blood shower.  Rome is The West Wing meets The Sopranos, only everyone’s wearing togas.  This show was an international co-production between the BBC, HBO and Italy’s RAI, and ran for two seasons from 2005-2007.  At least, it ran then in Britain, the US and Italy.  And Brazil, and Spain, and Israel and bloody Iceland.  Yet it has not aired here.

Rome re-creates the ancient world in such detail as to be breathtaking.  The sets, costumes and overall production are simply amazing, but that is not what makes this show worth watching.  No, the draw for this show is the way in which it tells (essentially) true historical stories, and the performances which bring these figures to life.

The show tells the story of Julius Cesar’s rise to power, his eventual fall, and the aftermath of his death.  But to simplify it like that does a disservice to the program.  All of the individual characters in the show have their own stories within this framework, be they personal or political, and they are all centered on (or wind around) soldiers Lucius Vorenus (Kevin McKidd) and Titus Pullo (Ray Stevenson).  There are equal doses of dramatic poignancy and political intrigue.  And more than it’s share of violence, sex, drugs and naughty bad words (”It’s as hot as Vulcan’s dick!” being one of my favourites).

[note: We do not wish to imply that the mere use of bad language or violence or sex makes a show better than others that are more tame, however in examples like Rome, it does allow for a greater freedom - and thus, better results - than shows which must self-censor]

Rome is a true example of “cinematic television” - that is, television shows which have the same production values and quality as a film.  And that is certainly not a bad thing at all.

Again, there is no indication as yet that this show will be aired here in any form.

Veronica Mars:

Now, some of you may argue that this show does not belong on a list of recommended current, or even recent shows, because it finished it’s third and final season early this year.  We’ll get to that later.

Veronica Mars is one of those shows that sounds stupid when described in a sentence (much like one of it’s influences, Buffy the Vampire Slayer).  The premise is this: High-school student Veronica Mars is the daughter of the town’s leading ex-sheriff-turned-private-investigator [PI's seem to be a recurring theme here...], and she uses her super-sleuthing skills to solve various criminal cases that are brought to her, including the mystery surrounding the murder of her best friend.

Despite that description, this is not a kids’ show.  Yes, it’s set (for the most part) in a high school, and yes, cases such as the search for the stolen school mascot serve as amusing sub-plots, but the issues and cases dealt with are predominately of a far more mature nature.  The character relationships, the season-long conspiracies, as well as the week-to-week cases are all superb.

As with many of the shows listed here, Veronica Mars is really carried by the performances of its leads Kristen Bell (now in Heroes, where after appearing in only one episode she has already stolen the show) as Veronica and Enrico Colantoni as her father Keith.  These two have amazing chemistry together, and can equally pull off broad comedy or intense drama.  The dialogue writing in this show is also top-notch, especially within the father-daughter scenes.  Every film or television writer working today should be forced to watch this show (I’m looking particularly at you, Tim Kring).

But now to why this show is in this list.  Veronica Mars was briefly run on free-to-air television down here (albeit over a year after its US premiere), but was pulled very shortly thereafter.  Just like many other quality programs, it was not given a chance to build an audience.  What’s worse, is that it was promoted as being what it seems like from the one-line description, obviously by executives who had not watched more than a few minutes.  Local viewers were led to believe it was just another run-of-the-mill teen drama like The OC, and consequently didn’t watch.  It was for this very reason I also skipped over it entirely on telly here.

As bad as this all is for such a wonderful show, however, the worst part of the Veronica Mars-in-Australia story is that even now, three years after its first airing, we have yet to receive the Region 4 (ie, Australian) DVDs.  This is a show (like Buffy before it), that has developed a devoted cult following, and the DVDs have the potential to be hugely popular if they would just hurry up and come to our shores.  Unfortunately, it looks like this won’t be happening any time soon.  From Wikipedia:

Warner Bros. Australia have plans to release the show on DVD, but have encountered some legal problems caused by music licensing. The first season was originally slated for a 2006 release, but was postponed soon after. It is still unclear, at this stage, whether or not these legal issues will be resolved anytime soon. TV Week has stated that the DVD will not be released…

Admittedly, “music licensing” is an entirely different problem, however there didn’t seem to be any legal problems with the initial television airings other than poor marketing resulting in poor ratings.  (This also raises the issue of ridiculous region-based licensing for media and the stupid Region-coding DVDs are distributed under… but that’s a whole other rant.)

Weeds:

This was another show that perhaps shouldn’t be on this list, but is.  Despite being more than a year delayed, and run at constantly-changing graveyard hours, Weeds has been given somewhat of a chance on Australian television.  However, it is a perfect example of a different problem with our current television system.

Weeds is the story of suburban single mother-turned-drug-dealer Nancy Botwin (Mary-Louise Parker), and thus contains a lot of material of a mature nature.  There is full-frontal nudity, a lot of drug use, and the kind of language usually reserved for the high-school playground.  So, obviously, this presents a problem for any commercial station that wants to air it.  It must be relegated to “late” - which often means after whatever movie or other program happens to come before it this week - and this is usually a fairly nebulous timetable.  So, inevitably, the show fails to build a “sufficient” audience, and is pulled from air and maybe brought back to fill an out-of-ratings summer slot [it appears this has happened again - Nine silently pulled it from broadcast this week].  This seems to defeat the purpose all together - Nine end up playing it during non-ratings period, losing any commercial benefit of owning it, and audiences get jerked around.  It’s a lose-lose situation.

One possible solution for this is for the networks to realize which programs they will have trouble fitting into their desired image/demographic/timetable, and allowing niche channels (such as a Foxtel channel) to pick up hard-to-broadcast shows like Weeds instead.  This would then rely on Foxtel treating the shows, and audiences, with respect also and not doing what they have done with Dexter.  For things like Weeds (and Dexter) this could work because Foxtel channels are slightly less ratings-based (due to being subscription-based) and there are uncensored channels like Showtime and The Comedy Channel which are more willing to play “risqué” programing.  As I mentioned earlier with regards to Dexter, however, even this has failed to work well so far.

Often with shows like Weeds which are owned by a network but not aired or are significantly delayed, it is not even possible to bypass the TV and go straight for the DVDs.  Networks usually have exclusive agreements meaning that no other release of the show can be made until the episodes are broadcast on the channel that owns them, even if that puts us years behind the rest of the world.  As long as Channel 9 keeps buying Weeds and not playing it, Australian audiences won’t be able to see it.

Solutions?

We’re not going to show you where you can go to stream these programs to your computer, nor are we going to tell you how to use BitTorrent to download them, or where to search for torrent files, however it is no surprise that Australia has one of (if not the) highest rates of television Internet piracy in the world.  Piracy is not an acceptable solution by any means - content producers don’t like it, and users have to jump through a lot of (mostly illegal) hoops just to get what they want to see.  So what is the solution?  Ideally, networks will wise up to the shows that people want to see (and when), and the cable channels will stop relying on Simpsons reruns to fill their timetables and instead be more competitive with the first-run shows they pick up.  Failing this, some sort of protection should be put into place so that if a show is not aired within a year of the network’s purchase of it, then at least the DVD can be released.

To be clear, American or British shows should by no means take precedence over local products simply because they are from overseas.  But surely we could have a couple of these gems grace our screens instead of seven-year-old repeats of Airport or the next series of Survivor: Fremantle?

Tags: TV

They’re not just cute, like everybody supposes

Hello World.

Do you remember the Sony Bravia ads that have been playing on TV for a while?  The first was made up of thousands of bouncy balls launched down the streets of San Francisco, and the second consisted of a building showering itself in coloured paint.  Well, those ads are not made using CGI or fancy effects, but are actually painstakingly put together by hand and filmed on location, by advertising agency Fallon London.  They’ve just released the next ad in the campaign, and this one is by far the most impressive:

The above ad used 2.5 tons of plasticine, took forty animators three weeks to put together, and is made up of 100,000 images.

It is truly an amazing achievement, but the real question is: Is it worth it?

This kind of effort and expense could produce a fantastic short film, or an art piece of some kind.  There is the argument that an ad like this is a form of artwork, or could be considered a short film in its own right, but the fact of the matter is that it’s still an ad.  A great ad, but an ad nonetheless.

Personally, I feel that these types of advertisements are great when considered within their context - I would much rather watch a few minutes worth of these between shows than the slapped-together, mindless and repetitive stuff that I end up fast-forwarding through at the moment - but in the broader context, should we really be celebrating what is essentially a tool to make us spend money on stuff we don’t really need?

I think I’m split on this issue.  I love creative advertising, and interesting visual works like this in any form should be celebrated and encouraged.  But when I see things like Channel 9’s current “Commercial Breakdown” program, I have to think twice.  This show, for those who haven’t seen it, is one of those clip deals showcasing funny and clever television ads from around the world.  Yes, some of them are very creative, funny, well made etc.  But when you think about it, you’re watching an hour of advertisements, occasionally interrupted by advertisements.

It seems a sad state of affairs when the most creative people are creating things like this.  There is more money (and jobs) in advertising than there ever will be in film or television, and this is nothing new.  But it still feels like a waste.  A pretty waste, with adorable little bunnies.

– [via Gothamist, via Photojojo]

Tags: advertising, bunnies

How to: Open a digital barbershop

Hello World.

This is my first Photoshop technique tutorial.  I’ve made a couple of posts (here and here) showcasing some photo-manipulations of celebrities with different hair-colours from their own (mine have all been red thus far).  This is the technique I use to do those images.  This is by no means the only way of achieving such an effect, and is probably not even the best way to do it, but this is how I do it.

This tutorial was written for Photoshop CS3 (currently the latest version), but can most likely be achieved using earlier versions as it only uses basic tools.

› Continue reading

Tags: photoshop, tutorial

Apologising Kills

A while back, tobacco giant Phillip Morris Intl. (owner of Marlboro) came out and said that it is a mistake to stop elderly people smoking.  A study commissioned by Phillip Morris had reported that the early death of smokers saves governments millions of dollars in health care, pensions and housing.  The last word?  Smoking is nothing less than a community service.

This is the only reason why tobacco companies want kids to start smoking as early as possible.  The sooner they start, the sooner they can develop lung-cancer and die, thus relieving the taxpayer of the burden of caring for a terminally ill, HECS debt accumulating teenager.

You are no doubt thinking that this is commendable behaviour.

People who know me well are aware of my attitude to old people - they are taking up seats on public transport which could be better used by people who have a job to go to, or a degree to finish.  Old people are space wasting moochers.  So the only stupid thing in this saga as near as I can tell, is that Phillip Morris Intl. apologised.  For what?  Telling the truth?

This ’say sorry’ crap has gone too far.  Everywhere I look, some idiot is telling someone else to apologise for some long forgotten wrong.

I trod on a kid’s foot at the supermarket the other day and the little wimp cried.  His pointy-headed Bolshevik mother had a go at me, telling me I was an oaf and I should say sorry.  How was I supposed to know his booties couldn’t take a light stamp from my size 12s?

I’ll apologise when I do something intentionally or when there’s money in it.  Anything else would be un-Australian madness. Just ask John Howard.

I’m TomHB.

Vote 1: TomHB’s One-Notion

Australia.  A great wide brown land conquered by a generation of heroes and heroines.  Who knows the hardships these men and women faced as they dragged family and beasts across the Great Divide and into the unknown?!

What would they think about the current crop of whingers that inhabit the rural areas of today’s Australia?

Our fearless forefathers saw floods as welcome relief from the boredom of drought, and dust storms as a good excuse to clean the house.  Nowadays it’s always either too dry or too wet.

If the dollar rises it’s a threat to exports, when it falls then diesel becomes too expensive.  If the Japanese refuse to take our beef then they’re guilty of having unrealistic health standards but if we take interstate milk we’re told that Victorians don’t have the same quality controls as we do.  If the bank forecloses on a hobby farm 2 hours from Sydney, they make a mini series about the family struggle, starring Colin Friels.

It’s like listening to a bunch of public servants at morning tea.  Boring.  Bullshit.

Well it’s time for the city backlash.  We in the cities are sick of the over-subsidised, over-represented and over-bloody-emotional country folk.  If a ‘mum and dad’ mixed business in the city has to close due to the superstore up the road, you don’t see pollies running to them with buckets of money and rock stars putting on benefit concerts.

So in this election year and to coincide with the demise of the Nationals and the Democrats, I’m starting the TomHB One-Notion Party.  What’s my notion?  Shut up and get over it.

TomHB.

Coming up next: Quince Paste Tossers

On any given television station as many as seven hours a day are completely bereft of any variant of CSI or Law & Order.  And what have these procedural dramas been replaced with?  Cooking programmes – hours and hours of cooking programmes.

You can’t turn on the TV without some ponce waving his spatula in your face and imploring you to smell his wafting aroma.  Well I had a sniff and from where I was sitting, all I could smell was a cockney prat.

Healthy, Wealthy and Tedious; Two Naked Fat Ladies; Jamie Oliver’s ‘How to cook a Gondola’.

All crap.

And the loony programmers get everything arse-up.  One moment we get a recipe for Chateaux de Sheep which takes a week to prepare and the next, Ainsley Harriot spends 30 minutes buttering toast.

And it’s getting worse.  Cooks have been breeding to the point where there are thousands and thousands of them out there, every one of them frantically searching for quince paste and cool patter to try to get their own show.

These days if you know which side of an egg is up and you don’t have your own cooking programme, then you deserve nothing less than abuse and utter contempt from everybody, everywhere.

I’ve got a bit of advice for television programmers and their treating psychiatrists.  The next time some mincing chef comes to you with an idea for a culinary journey to see some quaint yokels eating bark and transmitting syphilis to one another, tell him to get stuffed.  What else do you think the phrase ‘fuck off’ is for?

TomHB.