The Cabbage Patch

Police Seek Speeding Muppet, Mr. Snuffleupagus Suspect in Double Homicide

Forget drunk-drivers or teenage hooligans, apparently the real threat out on the roads are maniac puppets.

Get these hooligan puppets off our roads!

From The Daily Star:

An Audi TT with British registration plates has been repeatedly caught speeding on roads in the Bavarian city of Bayreuth.

But because continental speed cameras are set up for left-hand drive vehicles, the cameras keep missing the driver’s face.

Instead, they keep capturing clear views of a manic Muppet-like toy which the cheeky Brit has propped up on his passenger seat.

Bloody brilliant.

I especially like this bit:

A German police source said: “The number plate is not enough. We need clear evidence of who is driving the vehicle too.

“But because this is a British vehicle we can never get a decent picture. The driver has obviously worked this out because he has placed a large puppet in the passenger seat.

“This may be an example of the famous British sense of humour but it is still dangerous driving.

“The driver has been caught on camera on several occasions and the puppet is on the passenger seat every time. We suspect he positions the toy deliberately before accelerating past the camera.”

It’s even funnier if you read the policeman’s quote in a ridiculous fake German accent.  But then, isn’t everything?

– [from The Daily Star, via Boing Boing.  Photo from Nothing to do with Arbroath.]

Tags: muppet

Has the Large Hadron Collider destroyed the world yet?

If you’re feeling paranoid and want to check on the state of the Large Hadron Collider, just point your computer (or fancy-shmancy phone) towards http://hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet.com.

It currently says “NOPE.”, which is rather comforting.

Tags: Large Hadron Collider, Web Sites

I’d like to know too.

Yesterday, some lucky web-traveller got to this site by searching for “ricky gervais’s sexual identity”.  Brilliant!

Tags: Ricky Gervais, weird

Looking for Single Zombie, Must Love Brains

This ad turned up on my recent post about the vampire killer in Melbourne:

I can just see the late-night television commercial now:

Are you lonely and hypervolemic? We’ve got hot, horny vampires waiting for your call! At just $2.99 per minute, these saucy demons are just longing to SUCK YOUR BLOOD!

Really, what has the world come to?

Tags: vampires

And Werewolf Hunter on Trial

I’ve just returned from a weekend in Melbourne, and while I didn’t get many photos of the city, I couldn’t resist taking this shot of a newspaper headline:

I don’t know much about the story, and to be honest I don’t really care. What I love about it though is that the headline could be about a vampire who was killing people and is now in prison, or it could be about a person who kills vampires (aka, a “slayer”) and is now in prison. Either way, that’s fantastic.

Tags: vampires

‘Orrible Cabbage, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Hello World.

Apparently, once upon a time, I was a comic book character.  And not just any comic book character either, but an Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., working alongside Nick Fury himself!

Unfortunately, Agent David Purcell only seems to have appeared in one issue, and the entirety of his story can be summed up thus:

David Purcell was a young S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, a cadet who was about to graduate. He was hoping to marry his girlfriend Gail. As he was preparing for the graduation day ceremonies, Gail noticed that he was missing his dress boots, and he started searching for them. As he was occupied, HYDRA agent Lt. Romulus broke in and killed Gail from behind. Before David could react, Lt. Garotte grabbed him from behind and crushed his neck.

The two HYDRA agents then used David’s body to create an LMD with which they could infiltrate S.H.I.E.L.D. Central on graduation day.

The LMD found Baron Strucker’s Satan Claw weapon where S.H.I.E.L.D. had impounded it, and transmitted the schematics to Strucker so that he could build a duplicate. By that time, S.H.I.E.L.D. agent Bruno Krea had smelled cyclonite on Dugan’s hankerchief, and they were about to deal with the matter when the LMD was detonated, and the explosion destroyed S.H.I.E.L.D. Central, killing all 1,500 graduates gathered that day. A mop-up squad of HYDRA crafts ensured that no survivors escaped the blast.

Basically, my comic book namesake witnessed his girlfriend’s violent murder shortly before meeting his own demise, then his body got turned into a walking bomb and killed all of his classmates.  So, not really a legacy I’d like to be remembered for, to be honest.  But still… Nick Fury!

Apparently, Our Lingus is Quite Cunning Indeed

Hello World.

As of this writing, I have been monitoring The Patch’s stats for nearly two full days.  In that time, we have received around 33 unique visitors (a modest number, to be sure, but not bad for an un-publicised re-launch).  Of those thirty-three highly intelligent Internet consumers, at least five have arrived at this here site by searching for a rather unusual term.  “What is that term?” you may ask.  “Autocunninglingus” I would reply.

What is interesting about this is not that The Patch appears among the first results for this term in a Google search (thanks to reader Oskar’s use of the word in a comment some time ago), but that there are at least 2-3 people searching each day for this exact misspelling of this rather bizarre concept.  One person even used ALL CAPS - I think it must have been important.

Like Flickr, but without the photos

Hello World.

It should come as no surprise that I like language.  I worship words.  I fancy phrases.  It shouldn’t be a shock, then, that a website like Wordie really peaks my interest.

Wordie’s tagline is “Like Flickr, but without the photos”, and this is probably the most apt description of what the site offers.

Wordie is a site for you to collect all the words that you come across that you like, or want to remember for later.  Words such as “pseudonym“, “sanguine” and “catastrofuck“.

Each word gets its own page where users can post comments relating to that word and some links to definitions are provided.

This is a website for a very particular type of language snob nerd, which I presume is why I thoroughly enjoy it.

Tags: Web Sites

Just like a black and white rainbow

Hello World.

Mono is a fast-paced shooter style game which seems to defy description. The game’s website sums it up best: Mono is part Asteroids, part Robotron and part Paint Shop Pro.

You control a ship, or weapon, of some sort and must paint the level white (or black, depending on what colour it started as) using the colours which remain after the various floating, shooting, coloured circles are destroyed.

Truly a bizarre game, but very fun.

Tags: Downloads

Hee hee, "diphallus"…

Hello World.

An Indian businessman born with two penises wants one of them removed surgically as he wants to marry and lead a normal sexual life, a newspaper report said Saturday.

The 24-year-old man from the northern state of Uttar Pradesh admitted himself to a New Delhi hospital this week with an extremely rare medical condition called penile duplication or diphallus, the Times of India said.

“Two fully functional penes is unheard of even in medical literature. In the more common form of diphallus, one organ is rudimentary,” the newspaper quoted a surgeon as saying.

The surgery was expected to be challenging as both organs were well-formed and full blood supply to the retained penis had to be ensured to allow it to function normally, he added.

The newspaper did not disclose the identity of the man or the hospital to protect the patient’s privacy.

There are about 100 such reported cases of diphallus around the world and it is known to occur among one in 5.5 million men, the newspaper said.

It is caused by the failure of the mesodermal bands in the embryo to fuse properly. The mesodermal bands are one of three primary layers of the embryo from which several body parts are formed.

I’m not saying anything other than, if he has two, why in hell does he want to get rid of one of them?

Article here.

Note, my spell-checker tripped up on “penes”.

Tags: News Articles